Cats [1998]

My sister said that I 'agreed' to watch Cats with her yesterday, aka, Thursday. At the time, I was deeply exited about an excursion to my best friend's community college campus (it's complicated), so I was in the mood to say yes to almost anything. I forgot immediately afterward what I had promised, and went right back to whatever it is I do all day.

So Thursday came, and my sister reminded me that we were watching Cats that night.

I was possessed by a horror and a cowardice previously unknown to man. My sister already was a Cats sympathizer, because she likes to play 'Memory' on her violin. Me? I still run away screaming at the mere mention of the word 'Jellicle'. But anyway, on with the review!

"WE WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!"

Right at the beginning there's some really cool theater effects, and no matter how psychedelic and ridiculous the play is, it's always nice to see some cool theater effects. And oh my goodness was this musical psychedelic and ridiculous. There were endless song and dance numbers, scenes that felt like they had been dancing for hours and would never stop, and the plot! The actual plot was simple enough to fit into fifteen minutes! But it's stretched out with the aforementioned eternal dance numbers and embarrassing songs.

And before you say “But Monica, it's a musical, I thought you knew that when you started watching!”

Yes. I knew it was a musical. But then again I'm used to musicals with coherent plots, gorgeous music, no dancing, and characters you actually care about. I won't say that Cats doesn't have one or two touching moments, because it did. Memory was a lovely scene, staging, singing, music, the whole ten miles. Very beautiful, but even that wasn't enough to make up for Rum Tum Tugger.

Don't mind me... I'll just be back here silently
praying for my own death...

I detest that character and his introductory song as much as it's possible to hate a fictional character. He was annoying, and was extremely sleazy. I'm sure him sticking his butt into female cat's faces while they fall in a faint was supposed to be cute, but I was still in shock over his costume. Sweet heaven above, is it POSSIBLE for an outfit to be any tighter? That 'costume' left nothing to the imagination.

I was prepared for terrifying costumes and splaying people, but I wasn't ready for the racy dance numbers. Seriously, that bordered on inappropriate.

All that aside, the plot wasn't interesting. No suspense or depth to it at all, and the middle (scratch that. Make that every scene that wasn't Memory) was so tedious that I think I might have temporarily misplaced my mind. Libby tells me that I had to pause the movie and compulsively listen to Stars from Les Miserables to regain my sanity. Of course I'm kidding about the loss of sanity thing. I just got really, really bored and asked my equally bored sister if she would mind listening to Stars.

I mean, you know a movie isn't doing it for you when you keep checking the time and asking yourself “I wonder where we'd be in [so and so movie] right now...”

The Verdict: D-

I can't give it an F (as I feel it deserves for Rum Tum Tugger's [ahem] icky dance) because of Memory. I can't believe I just rated something lower than the Tale of Despereaux movie. But then again, at least the tale of Despereaux didn't make me want to go out and exterminate all mice. This movie has turned me off cats for a while. But then again, my Grandma's cat Luna is a wonderful cat, and if any cat can make up for this horror, it's her. After all, it's not the cat's fault silly humans thought this musical would be a good idea!

Maybe some prayers for our kitty, she hasn't been
doing very well lately. :(