Friday, August 8, 2014

The Near Witch by Victoria Schwab [2011]: A Review In GIFs

Doe-eyed bimbo.
[I apologize in advance for this post. This book just made me very irritated, and I had to ramble about it for a while.]

Oh, The Near Witch... how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. You were THE most clichéd book I have ever had the misfortune to pick up and read. I'm just very glad that I got this for free at the library as a prize for participating in their summer-reading program.
Basically, it's about this bimbo girl named Lexi (by the way, everyone else has archaic names, but she gets a cute modern one) and her town, and one day a mysterious stranger shows up and the next night kids start to disappear. Of course the mysterious stranger is an uber hawt boy, and him and Lexi get right to mooning over each other. Before she's even sure he's innocent of kidnapping the kids, I might care to add.
Seriously, this book is so incredibly clichéd, I think it would be a good start just to list all of the clichés!

~ Lexi, our 'heroine' is your typical, bland, tomboyish YA girl.
~ Lexi is 16.
~ Despite being 'independent', Lexi falls for the stupid mysterious boy almost immediately.
~ There's a mysterious boy.
~ The mysterious boy is very thin, pale, black-haired and has unique gray eyes.
~ The mysterious boy has guilt issues.
~ The village people are narrow-minded and puritan. Except for Lexi, of course, she's a perfect widdle snowflake.
~ Lexi's father is dead, and her mother (as a consequence) is just a shell of her former self. Hunger Games, anyone?
~ Lexi is looked down upon just because she's not a ladylike girl. Look, Miss Schwab! Your feminist agenda is 100 years too late!
~ The people with magic powers and misunderstood and outcast.

So, without further ado, on with the gifs. Why? Because I can! [insane laugher here.]
At the very promising, and quite well written first line of the book.

Book, this could be the start of a long and happy friendship.
When the 'mysterious stranger' is described as a uber handsome young boy only a little older than Lexi.
Seriously? I wonder how this story would have played out
if the mysterious stranger was a 30 year old overweight guy!

When Lexi's sexist uncle gives the story the chance to feel good about itself for having an out of date feminist agenda.

When Lexi and Cole (the mysterious stranger) kiss and fall in love, despite the fact that they are both STUPID teenagers who know nothing about love.

I hope you choke on each other's

When Cole goes off about his sob-story past, and we're supposed to be weepy and touched by it.
Boo flippin' hoo.

When Lexi's feelings get hurt when her friend says that she wants the mysterious stranger dead (Because her friend thinks that he's the one who kidnapped her little brother).
Lexi, you boy-crazy pusbag! You probably wouldn't be so
certain of Cole's innocence if he was ugly! Oh, and for the record?
I didn't find his physical description all that appealing.
Um, so there!
 When Cole gets dragged off by angry village-men and they do moor-knows-what with him, and Lexi proceeds to have an Elphaba freak-out.

It was at this point that the writing got so melodramatic that
I could do nothing else but laugh.

When, one chapter later, it turns out that Cole got away, and him and Lexi get to mush lips again.
I'm not disappointed, I don't know what you're talking about.
When the climax is reached, and we get a generic happy ending.
I'm never going back!
This book is in the paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast!!!
The Verdict: F
Avoid this book like the plague. Maybe it's just because I can't stand teen romance. Or maybe it was the stilted, repetitive plot. Or maybe it was the fact that the characters were bland cardboard cutouts. The Carpet from Aladdin had a more complex and compelling character arc! I feel bad for hating this book, in the afterward, the author gives a big speech about how thankful she is to her family for supporting her and such... But no matter. The author may be sweet, but that doesn't mean I have to like her stupid book.
Stay frosty, my friends.


  1. This borrow Ice Cream's phrase, awesome. I giggled my way through. :D :D Alsooo, you're reading TSP? YAY! I love that book. ;)

    1. Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D
      After this book, TSP has been like a healing balm. I'm having a good time reading it!

  2. Hee. When I got to this: "I hope you choke on each other's tongues." I laughed aloud. Literally. :-D


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